Support Services Handout Series
Number 1008 Student Health Information Sheet
Sleep and the Three Year Old

If one reviews the events occurring in the life of a three year old, it is not difficult to see how the child at this age often experiences sleep disturbances, especially in the middle of the night. The three year old child feels powerful in many ways, helpless and fearful in others. He is struggling for mastery of his body and experiencing many new events which he doesn't quite understand.

He is intensely imaginative, curious and sociable. He is striving for increased freedom and independence while at the same time becoming subject to a whole host of new fears, fantacies and anxieties. The three year old's imagination and life experiences have now reached the stage where he can put himself in other people's shoes and picture dangers that he hasn't actually experienced.

The three year old is feeling the need to sleep less, is beginning to dream actively and often to have nightmares as well and is struggling to be a "free spirit". At the same time this little person is often still frightened by fears of separation from his parents and doesn't have the vocabulary or understanding of all this newly found social environment to express these terrors to the adults in his world.

It is no small wonder then, that an active night-life usually begins for the average three year old. First of all, the child may have developed an elaborate system of ritualistic "going-to-bed" behavior during the two's which at three are honed to a fine point. The three year old resents stopping all his engrossing activities at bedtime and has a difficult time relaxing enough to lie down and go to sleep.

Also, the three year old now resists sleep because of fears and dreams. To the child at this age the "tiger with the big teeth biting me in my bed" is real and will come back as soon as he tries to sleep. Even if the particular three year old in question is not beset with separation anxieties, night terrors, resistance to sleep and/or elaborate ritualistic bed-time patterns, he may go off to bed nicely and then, when the rest of the family is sleeping soundly, arise to wander around the house. Alone and quite happily, the three year old is very apt to climb out of bed, go get a "snack", turn on a light and "read" a book or just play contentedly by himself. Some children at this age will head straight for their parents' room and either want company or ask to sleep in their parents' bed. Others will go anywhere and everywhere but the parents' room.

It is interesting to note that the American culture is one of the few in which the bed-time separation of the child from parents is practiced so rigorously and at such an early age. Many children find this a harsh lesson, and lacking words to express their fright and loneliness, cry.

We live in a culture that asks a small child to go to bed alone in a dark room at an early hour of the evening and expects him to stay there, preferably asleep, for the whole night. Is this at its worst, barbaric, and at its least, insensitive and unrealistic? Is the three year old who actively resists with ritualistic delays and middle of the night screams or passively resists by solitary happy night wandering, weird? Neither is probably the case. The whole sleep process for the three year old can be tempered by a modicum of common sense and an understanding of where the three year old is in his growth and development. Of course, a lot of patience, a terrific sense of humor and real warmth and tenderness are essential.

The following bed time tips should be helpful in dealing with the changing sleep patterns of the normal three year old. Lead up to bed time with a gradual "winding-down" process whereby the child's activities become more and more soothing and quiet. A warm bath, looking at "gentle" books (as opposed to some of the gorier fairy tales written for this age), quiet talking moments and even a gentle short (not more than three minutes) back rub will all help. Rule out rough and tumble games, most TV programs and family arguments (within an hour of bed time) This is not the time to discuss the day's misadventures or punish a child for earlier wrong doing. Try to have the evening meal completed at least an hour before bed time, so that you do not have to take the child straight from the dinner table to bed.

Allow, even encourage, the three year old's bed time rituals of a drink of water, a special toy or blanket, a special way of being "tucked-in", a special small non-direct night light, an open door to the hallway and special hugs and kisses. Never is there a time when a relaxed, unhurried approach will save overall time and hassles like at bed time. A three year old is far likelier to settle down quickly, quietly, happily and permanently if the adults are very patient, unhurried and supportive.

Despite all of these steps, however, it is quite normal for the three year old to "pop" back out of bed once or several times. It is also normal for three year olds to awaken in the night either crying in fear or loneliness or happily in search of adventure. Here's where the parents' patience, understanding, sense of humor and gentle but firm guidance are absolutely essential.

After comforting the crying child or allowing the wandering child to have the short snack or book, it is important that the child be lovingly tucked back into bed. For the child who insists on joining his parents in their bed, "a little goes a long ways" both for the child and the adults. Even a three year old can sense the special relationship between the parents, and the child wants to be part of that in their bed as well as being comforted in his growing process.

So, it is important to comfort and be tender with the child who climbs into the adults' bed, but, unless you want this to be a permanent arrangement, it is also important to explain to the child that only a short stay to get warm and "unafraid" is all right. And then, firmly return the child to his own bed with a hug and a tender "tuck-in". While dealing with the night time sagas of the three year old, it is often very easy to lose your perspective. Therefore, it's very important as the adult in the three year old's world, to step back a bit every once in a while and just marvel at the wonder of it all. The three year old is a very special mixture of curiosity, imagination and adventuresome spirit. The three year old is newly aware of his world and yet clings to the adults in that world to make sense out of what he doesn't understand and finds fearful. This is never so true as at night. So, be patient, be comforting and know that four is right around the corner with a whole new set of challenges. However, at four, our charming night waking three year old will probably sleep through the night again.

Note: For the purpose of smoother reading, the pronouns he and his have been used throughout this article to designate both the he/his/himself and she/her/herself pronouns.

Developed by: Jan Kemper and Brenda Thaxton

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